Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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