I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
