Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
don't judge my taste in strippers
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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