I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
