the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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