Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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