I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm like, not good at living.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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