I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
