I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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