Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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