Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
