Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
