I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
