Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
