come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
she smelled like a LAN party
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
