Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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