2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
