Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
from now on my penis is your penis
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
My ATM looks so different sober.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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