his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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