Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
