i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
