He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
