Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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