good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
im six kinds of drunk right now
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
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They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
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Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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