Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
