Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
