at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
