He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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