Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
