I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
