I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
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