She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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