can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
