I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
