I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
