one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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