it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
