My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
