I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
