Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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