and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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