So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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