Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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