I wish my penis had an off switch
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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