smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
