M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You are a genius and a whore.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize