the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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