cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
