some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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