You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize