he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
