period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
