Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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