Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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