mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
